


Private Lessons Confessions

by Chosha_Hoshiko



Series: Love Without Fear [5]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Again not from me, Comments from the readers, Explicit Language, Family Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Graphic Violence, M/M, Not from me, game show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-03-25 08:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13830333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chosha_Hoshiko/pseuds/Chosha_Hoshiko
Summary: **Set with the same characters from "Private Lessons". It can't be read without reading "Private Lessons" first. Not important to the plot of "Private Lessons", but it's still fun to read.Welcome to "Private Lessons Confessions"! The wonderful show where we sometimes take comments that readers like you have posted and reveal them to our characters to react to, and sometimes show the results of voting contests that were thrown out during "Private Lessons"! What do the characters think about what YOU think? Are you on the same page or not at all? And what do the rest of the readers think about how the characters act and what they do? It's time to find out! This week's episode: #team_shichi!





	1. Hajime Hate Mail

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ShineGinny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShineGinny/gifts), [TheMadCatQueen69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMadCatQueen69/gifts).



> I do believe that that was the shortest summary I've ever written so hurray to me for that! \ ^W^ / And welcome all of you guys! You probably all came here from the last chapter of "Private Lessons" so you may be here for some nice hate therapy involving Hajime. If you haven't read the next chapter yet, then I suggest you do so! There aren't any real spoilers in here if you haven't, but it's just so you'll be on the same page as everyone else.
> 
> Now I don't think there's much else to say here, so I'll just let you get reading! Enjoy! <3

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! It’s so wonderful to see you all, bright and shining and ready to take on another morning! Well…it could be nighttime where you are and you could be falling asleep…or it could be the middle of the day and you’re ready to clock out of whatever you’re doing and go home…heck, you might be at school reading this in between classes when you really should be studying for that test, or finishing that homework assignment…

Well, in any case! Here you are! And we are very grateful to you for being here with us today for the very first (and probably only) episode of “Private Lessons Confessions”! I’m your host, Chosha_Hoshiko! Here, on this fabulous show, we take comments that viewers of “Private Lessons” have sent in and show them to the contestants! And th-

“Contestants?” Shizuo’s brow furrowed and he scratched his head with a confused glance towards the camera. “I thought we were just people living our lives.”

“I thought we were people living in a romantic comedy with developing character traits and villains to help spur us towards eternal happiness.” Izaya chirped, waving at the camera in front of him. “And of course, I’m the star.”

Shizuo snorted and smacked the raven upside the head. “Yeah, you wish.” He said, but there was a gentle smile on his face directed at his adorable boyfriend.

Izaya stuck his tongue out in response. “What do _you_ guys think?” He asked, turning to the camera with a smile. “I’m totally the main character, right? Everyone knows I’m the favorite. It’s just a fact of life.”

“Let’s stop interrupting the host so we can actually get on with the show!” Kichirou said cheerfully, plopping down next to the boys on the couch and nudging their arms. “We have limited air-time so we gotta do this semi-quickly.”

Thank you, Kichirou. I’m glad you understand. Now, as I was saying, we will show the… _characters_ the comments that have been sent in about them or the show! Each episode has a specific theme of comments that we send in and this episode’s theme iiiiiis….HAJIME HATE MAIL!

Izaya perked up instantly, his ruby eyes flashing with delight. “Ooh! I like this category! I’ll take this one for $500, please!” He said cheerfully, waving his arm eagerly to get the host’s attention.

“It’s not “Jeopardy”, dear.” Namiko told him with a fond smile. “You don’t have to answer any questions.”

“Well maybe not, but I would totally kill it if I ever went on “Jeopardy”.” Izaya grumbled, leaning back into the couch with a small huff.

“You’d win everything. How is that fair to anyone else?” Shizuo asked, kissing the small raven on the forehead.

“Winning is all that matters!” Kichirou declared mightily, jumping up from his seat and pointing a finger to the sky.

“And yet you never win.”Kasuka added flatly, staring at his father.

Kichirou glared at him. “Go play with the twins! We have a limited number of contestants for the game show, thank you very much!” He scowled, shooing his son away.

Kasuka shrugged and stood up from the couch, walking towards the backstage door. “Alright. Me, the twins, and Suzuki are just going to play Go Fish. Being the minor characters that we are.” He said flatly, slipping into the back.

“Compared to me, you’re _all_ minor characters.” Izaya said with a grin, making a big deal of fixing his hair as he faced the camera.

“No. I’m still a main character with you.” Shizuo pointed out, slinging his arm casually around Izaya’s shoulders.

“True.” Izaya admitted, tapping a finger to his lips. “I wonder if-”

Ahem. The show. Limited air-time. Gotta get on with it.

“Right! Right! Sorry, host!” Izaya smiled brilliantly and pointed at the camera with a wink. “Let’s wrap up this intro and start reading the hate mail!”

That’s what I’ve been trying to do…oh well. Yes! This episode’s topic is Hajime Hate Mail! I am going to reveal to our wonderful judges – Izaya, Shizuo, Namiko, and Kichirou – some of the comments that our viewers have sent in about Hajime, and we’ll see how they react to them! Not to mention we have our special hot seat contestant, the one who the episode’s topic revolves around, Shishizaki Hajime! Everybody throw some rotten fruit at him! He’s right over there!

“Well, aren’t you just rude.” Hajime snorted, crossing his arms as he perched arrogantly on the chair on the far side of the room. “I don’t even know why I have to _be_ here. I’m quite busy with my villain routine back in “Private Lessons”.”

Izaya glared darkly at him, ruby eyes flashing with deadly rage. “Trust me. No one _wants_ you to be here.” He growled, getting a glare from Hajime in return.

“Oh come on. You know it’s true.” Shizuo snarled, shifting to move his arm protectively in front of Izaya as he scowled at Hajime. “You’re everyone’s least favorite character!”

“And I can’t wait to see what the people have to say about you!” Kichirou said cheerfully, but there was a dark look behind his cheerful gaze that no one could miss.

“I wonder if any of it is something I would say.” Namiko smiled at Hajime, with the smile dripping poison that she no-doubt wanted to shove right down his throat.

Hajime gulped a little and squirmed in his seat, trying to do it subtly so no one could see.

“You’re all pathetic.” He sneered, rolling his eyes at them to help conceal his anxiety. “Let’s just get this stupid thing going.”

Mmhm…well! Without further ado, here’s our first hate mail!

***

This one comes from a user called Kanra_chan (whom I love very much). This is only a small portion of the full comment, but we’re only going to be reading the parts that pertain to Hajime for each comment, so many of these hate-mail letters will be like that. Ahem!

_“And how is it that I am so ready for Hajime, aka the lil fuck nugget I wanna dip in some MCwhoop-ass sauce and salt with my hoe-don't-do-it seasonings, to show up??? I NEED A FIGHT SCENE, I NEED FISTS FLYING AFTER HE'S CAUGHT MOVIN UP ON ZAYA OOOHH SHIIIIT BOIIIIIIIII”_

Izaya’s jaw dropped, his eyes going wide as he read the small comment. There was a moment of silence once he finished while he thought about the exact scene that the comment was portraying. And then he busted out laughing.

“Hahaha! Oh my god! That is priceless!” Izaya cackled, grabbing his midsection as he doubled over with laughter, leaning on Shizuo for support. “Beautiful! Ten out of ten! Let’s do it, Kanra_chan! Let’s just do it!”

“Never have I ever thought of McDonald’s in a vicious manner.” Shizuo said dumbly, still staring in shock at the comment. “And never have I ever thought that chicken nugget sauce could somehow sound more dangerous and aggressive than me.”

“Well clearly, Kanra_chan found a way.” Kichirou said happily, snickering to himself as he read the comment gleefully over and over. “Hey, Hajime!” The dad yelled, looking over at the blue-eyed boy. “Have you read the comment yet? It’s incredible!”

“I don’t want to hear anything from you!” Hajime scoffed, glaring at the comment as though it had personally offended him. Which…it technically had. “How in the world do you plan on even finding this “MCwhoop-ass sauce” and salt with…with…I can’t even repeat all this crazy talk! Just get it out of here! It’s not worth my time.” He waved away the comment, fuming in his chair all alone in the corner while the others on the couch tittered happily over the sassy wording.

“I’m loving this Hate Mail episode even more than I thought I would be.” Namiko said eagerly, nodding in approval at the comment. “Although this young lady needs to watch her language! My goodness, where did she pick that up?”

I think she’s just special. You should hear some of her other comments. As a matter of fact, I think we see another one from her later. But for now! Next hate-mail!

***

This one is from another user called Celty92! Right then.

_“ >_< What the hell?! Hajime is such a piece of crap! @_@ Like wow....he's just so narcissistic it's just revolting. Omg...I truly hope Izaya will be the one to fully and completely get rid of him because otherwise...I sincerely doubt this douche will ever leave him alone”_

“Tell me about it!” Shizuo agreed, shooting Hajime an evil glare. “He ditched Izaya for eleven months, which was the nicest thing the jerk has ever done for him, but then he has to come on back and ruin Izaya’s life once he knows he’s moving on? And now the asshole won’t go away!”

“Not to mention he ruined our adorably fluffy date.” Izaya added, pouting a little as he grabbed Shizuo’s arm. “Everything was going perfectly, and you were being the sweetest guy in the world, and the plushie was the light of my day, and then _he_ had to show up.”

“I’m still ticked off that he busted up my babies’ first date!” Namiko snarled, punching one fist into the open palm of her other hand. “I agree with this Celty92! Hajime is a revolting piece of crap!”

“I think the idea of Izaya beating Hajime out of his life is the best thing about this comment.” Kichirou decided, stroking his chin as he read the words again. “Izaya had to deal with this guy for so long, and he really does need to stop Hajime himself and give that asshole the message: GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.”

“I’m right here!” Hajime yelled, glaring at them all from across the room. “I can hear you all talking about how “revolting” I am! I’m nothing of the sort! I’m practically a god! I’m above you all! I’m-”

“The comment also says you’re narcissistic.” Izaya cut in, staring right at Hajime. “I think this thing is pretty accurate.”

Hajime fell silent for a while after that. Then he smacked away the letter with a huff. “Whatever! Next stupid comment!” He snapped, blue eyes flaming with fury.

Hajime…we have a ton of comments left, I hope you know. And I had to sort through and pick which ones to use since there were so many. Like I think I read over 40 comments with either segments about or that were entirely devoted to you being a total jerk. And we _still_ have quite a few here to read. This is gonna take a while.

“Woohoo!” Izaya cheered, clapping his hands from the couch with an eager shine in his eyes. “I love it! Let’s keep the hate going for hours!”

“I’m up for it.” Shizuo agreed, nodding his head. 

“Read them all! Why stop at just a few?” Kichirou suggested cheerfully, holding a thumbs-up.

“I think we can all handle that, right?” Namiko agreed, smiling pleasantly enough, but with a deadly glint in her eyes.

…yeah…we don’t have enough air-time to read them all.

Izaya huffed and crossed his arms. “Air-time is stupid.” He muttered.

“Still right here!” Hajime yelled, waving his arms in the air.

No one cares. We’re just going to move onto the next hate mail.

***

This one is from a guest reader who calls herself Talia! Hajime, pay attention to this one.

_“Please don't make Hajime resistant to Shizuo's strength. I want to see Shizuo one punch this guy into oblivion like a floating space monkey before orbiting the Earth and crashing back down into the atmosphere as he begins to combust like a spicey meatball that's been set on fire only for Shizuo to round house kick Hajime's stupid spicey meatballs into a soccer net, but instead of scoring, Hajime's spicey meatball body goes smack into the cross bar before Shizuo falcon punches his three best; Mr. Jonhson and the juice crew; into the Pacific Ocean where Shizuo'sSawface fish mawl Hajime's dick and balls so that now when he thinks of jerking off to Izaya he'll have to endorse the pain and humiliation of getting his dick and balls eaten by a fish as well as getting his ass kicked over and over again by Ikebokuros' Monster.”_

Silence filled the room. Nothing but silence and a few strangled sounds from Hajime as he gawked at the comment.

“This…IS AWESOME!!!” Kichirou yelled, punching his fist into the air and whooping loudly. “Like oh my god! I could never have thought of something as beautiful as this one scene of revenge! I want it! I need it in my life! Someone please write this into the script of “Private Lessons”!”

“Dear, we don’t _have_ a script.” Namiko reminded him, her eyes still as wide as saucers as she stared at the letter. “That was…very creative…and colorful.”

“It reminded me of that McDonald’s one because it talked about food, too.” Shizuo commented, rubbing his stomach with a slight frown on his face. “And it’s making me hungry. Does anyone else want to go out for spicy meatballs right now?”

“No! No one else does!” Hajime yelled, his face now turning red as he squirmed nervously away from the letter like it could bite him.

“That’s just your opinion, asshole! Stay out of it!” Shizuo barked back, and then he read the comment again. “And can I also add that I have no clue what half of these attack moves are but I am totally willing to learn them in order to make this scene play out. I want to beat Hajime like this for eternity.”

“But then you can’t spend any time with me.” Izaya pointed out, holding the letter and rereading it with a wide grin on his face. “I think one round of this wonderful scenario is enough! And I love how Hajime turns into a floating space monkey here at the beginning! And then how he begins to combust after that. And then his “spicy meatballs” get kicked. And then he’s sent into the Pacific Ocean…” A thoughtful look crossed Izaya’s face and he tapped his lips with a small hum. “I don’t know if the pointed sawfish can maul his dick and balls…but it could certainly sever them!” He practically chirped the last part, ruby eyes glittering with joy as he grinned nastily at Hajime. “Wanna go to the aquarium, ex-boyfriend?” He sang. “We can test it out!”

“No thank you!” Hajime yelled back. “You can just go and die in a hole!”

“I feel like a lot more people want you to die in a hole.” Izaya responded sweetly, batting his eyelashes at the furious boy. Then he turned back to the camera with a grin. “Onto the next hate mail, please!”

You got it, Izaya. Here we go!

***

And this lovely thing is from another guest reader known as ;-;. And no! I do not know how that is pronounced!

_“He has a mental disease. Please tell me he has a mental disease or I won't handle being the same species he is. Seriously, who the f he think he is, having those kind of thoughts about Izaya my baby, thinking he will submit to him, that he belongs to him. I'll tell you something Hajime okay you keep it in your f***ed up mind. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY YOU KNOW AND WHEN YOU DO YOU'RE GOING TO HELL. WANNA KNOW WHAT WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU THERE? NOT THE DEVIL. NOT UNBEARABLE HOT WEATHER. I WILL. I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU OKAY YOU BETTER BE PREPARED.”_

“This is a good threat. It has non-explicit cussing, a promise for hell, and some nice yelling all thrown into one.” Kichirou said in a fake-professional tone, nodding seriously as he “analyzed” the letter.

“Dad, we all know you can’t actually be serious. Stop pretending.” Shizuo sighed, shaking his head.

“Let me have my moment, son!” Kichirou yelled, smacking the blonde upside the head.

“Boys, let’s play nice.” Namiko chided. “And let’s also take a moment to appreciate the dedication of this reader who is willing to appear in hell just to beat up the horrible vermin known as Hajime.”

“I appreciate you, ;-;!” Izaya said happily, grinning at the camera. “Thank you! I didn’t think I was anyone’s baby, but I guess I am! Oh, and I love that bit where you tell Hajime that,” He turned to face Hajime with a pointed glare. “I DON’T BELONG TO HIM AND I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO HIM AND HE NEEDS TO KEEP HIS THOUGHTS IN HIS OWN MIND!” He yelled, giving the camera a brilliant smile once he was done. “Truly, I am touched.”

“Would you all stop treating me like the bad guy?” Hajime grabbed his hair and groaned, swatting the letter away briefly with one hand.

“You _are_ the bad guy!” Everyone yelled back, glaring at him.

They’re right Hajime. You’re a pretty bad guy. Like let’s list your crimes and charges right now: you’re an attempted rapist, a perpetrator of domestic abuse, a prideful maniac, a stalker, a thief, a perpetrator of assault, a kidnapper, and now a child abuser. Like…I’m not sure if you realize this, but nearly all of that is illegal and helps prove that you a very bad person.

“Shut up! What do you know?” Hajime scowled, glaring at the camera as if daring it to argue with him.

Well, I’m sort of the author so I pretty much know everything that happened, is happening, and will happen as well as the reasons behind it all…

“That doesn’t matter!” Hajime insisted, crossing his arms with a scowl.

“I kinda want to know if you _do_ have a mental disease, though, now that I’m thinking about it.” Izaya said thoughtfully, looking at the letter again. “;-; has a good point here. You’re so messed up that it’s fairly possible for you to have a mental disease, and you’re such a horrible person that I don’t even necessarily want to count you as the same species as the rest of us.”

“No one asked you, useless brat!” Hajime growled.

“And no one wants you to live, dirty asshole!” Shizuo shot back, hugging Izaya to his chest with a glare.

“Now that’s not true!” Hajime snorted. “I’m sure there’s at least one person who-”

We’re going to move onto the next hate mail so you can see just how wrong you are.

***

This is by a user named fairytail1230. I think the message fairytail is trying to convey here is…fairly clear.

_“KILL HAJIME! KILL THE SON OF A BITCH! KILL!KILL!KILL!KILL!KILL!KILL!KILL!KILL! FUCKING KILL HIM AND PARTY ON HIS SHITTY GRAVE!_  
RAGE MODE!  
If I hated him before I sure as hell want him to die slowly and painfully now! Fuck you Hajime ╭∩╮(｀А´)╭∩╮!” 

Aaaand that’s why I have the explicit language tag. So! Thoughts, Hajime?

“Why should I even have to hear these?” Hajime demanded, ripping the letter into pieces with a spiteful glare. “They’re pointless!”

“Aww, are Hajime’s feelings being hurt because he can’t handle hearing how no one wants him to live?” Izaya teased, hugging Shizuo’s arm tightly. “And because he can’t handle the fact that Shizu-chan was right about that lovely fact?”

“Shut up!” Hajime snapped, his face flaming red.

“Hey, I want to join the party that fairytail is having on Hajime’s grave.” Shizuo announced, kissing Izaya on the head briefly as he read the comment. “Wait, scratch that. I want to _plan_ the party and set up all the decorations and everything.”

“You _are_ the party-planning king.” Kichirou agreed, nodding at the suggestion.

“Put us on the VIP guest list.” Namiko ordered. “I want to get a good spot on top of Hajime’s grave to do the Macarena.”

“We can play a bunch of songs about bad boyfriends being out of our lives!” Izaya suggested eagerly, looking up at Shizuo with shining eyes. “Ne, Shizu-chan? That’s a great idea!”

“I think our first song could be “Picture to Burn” by Taylor Swift, and we can set a bunch of pictures of Hajime on fire.” Shizuo decided, glancing over at Hajime with a grin. “We can burn your creepy picture collection while we’re at it! This sounds like a great party! Too bad you can’t be there.”

Hajime rolled his eyes and turned away from Shizuo, not even acknowledging the jab, although it was clear from the vein pulsing in his forehead that he wasn’t entirely unaffected by it.

“I love the emoticon at the end. Did I mention that?” Izaya chirped happily, holding up his copy of the letter to tap on the little image as he turned to face Hajime. “This is how much people like you, Hajime! Take a good long look!” He called.

“Shut up and move to the next hate mail!” Hajime snapped. “Seriously, can we speed this up?”

I’m telling you Hajime, we have a lot left. No. One. Likes. You. Anyway, next one!

***

This one is from a guest reader who tends to change their username to fit the mood of the chapter! Typically, we will see the username AWWW for this person, but sometimes, like in this case, the username will change to something like AwwwAAAARGHH. And here’s what AwwwAAAARGHH had to say about Hajime!

_“I want to beat hajime's ass with an easy bake oven._  
And you write that 'a big asshole with no goddamn heart' attitude perfectly.  
whoo, i'm trying to refrain from the colorful language but i feel as though it doesn't convey my emotions enough,sorry!” 

“And we’re back to food metaphors!” Shizuo groaned, grabbing his stomach with a frown. “I am seriously going to need to pig out after this!”

“I can make you a nice bento or something when we get back home.” Izaya promised, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek. “How does that sound?”

“Almost as perfect as you.” Shizuo responded, kissing Izaya back with a soft smile on his lips. The raven blushed a little at the comment, shoving on Shizuo’s chest with a twinkle in his eyes. “You’re so stupid, Shizu-chan.” Izaya told him. “Stupidly perfect.”

“Oh, _please_ do not make me endure your stupid couple fluff _and_ the hate mail.” Hajime groaned, rolling his eyes and sneering at their behavior. “You’re disgusting and pathetic. Both of you.”

“And this is way people want to beat your ass with an easy bake oven.” Kichirou said cheerfully, putting away the phone that he’d been using to take pictures of the adorable couple with. “Honestly, can’t you be even a little bit tolerable?”

“He ruined my babies’ first date, and now he’s ruining their cute couple fluff!” Namiko snarled, getting up from the couch and glaring menacingly at the blue-eyed teenager. “Boy, I’m about to come over there and knock some sense into that thick head of yours if you don’t shut up!”

“Do it, Mom! We’re all rooting for you!” Shizuo said eagerly, grinning at Hajime with an evil glint in his eyes.

“Do it to the big asshole with no goddamn heart, as described by AWWW.” Izaya agreed, clapping his hands in excitement.

Okay guys, we can’t kill or beat Hajime on this game show.

“Thank you!” Hajime huffed, opening his mouth to say something no-doubt self-righteous and demeaning.

And that’s because he is going to be getting his butt handed to him back in “Private Lessons”. We have to reserve all the hatred for the big fight scene coming up.

“Wait what?” Hajime asked, glancing over at the camera in shock.

Right! And moving on to the next hate mail!

***

This one is actually a lovely little song, written by the guest reader Talia whom we heard from earlier, and we trained the wonderful singers mentioned in it to perform it. So come on out here, Mairu and Kururi, and sing your new favorite song to us!

The little girls ran out from backstage, waving excitedly at the camera for a few seconds before clearing their throats and turning to face the people on the couch.

“Title: Iza-nii’s Happy Song.” They both chanted.

And yes, that title was made by Talia.

_“I'm Mairu!”_  
“I'm Kururi...”  
“Let's gear up and kill Haji,”  
“Grab a knife and gun,”  
“Shoot him in the head,”  
“Iza-nii, Haji is dead!” 

There was a brief pause when they finished the song and then both girls added,

“PDM_Public Domain Mark.”

Everyone stared at them for a few seconds and then Izaya started clapping furiously. “Hurray for my girls’ debut as singers! I loved it! Beautiful! I’m your number one fan!” He cheered, whistling loudly for good measure and grinning widely at his babies. “And your songwriter Talia is quite skilled!”

Mairu and Kururi both giggled happily, quite pleased with themselves and their brother’s praise, then ran over to him on the couch, giving him a big hug.

“And I loved it, too!” Namiko cooed, moving over so she could hug the little girls as well. “You two were born to be stars.”

“Let’s publish it and make it a new hit single!” Kichirou declared. “We can have everyone singing “Iza-nii’s Happy Song” by the end of this week!”

“I think some focus groups might take issue with toddlers singing about murder…” Shizuo said slowly, but when the twins looked at him with big, hopeful eyes, he broke. “But I will support you nonetheless because it was a beautiful song.” He finished, joining in the small hug on the couch.

“I hated it. I’ll give you bad reviews on every site I can.” Hajime sneered from his place in the corner.

“No one cares! Meanie!” Mairu yelled back, glaring viciously at Hajime.

“Die in a hole.” Kururi added softly, grabbing her twin’s hand and running to disappear backstage as quickly as they’d come in.

Izaya stared after them, his eyes a little wide. “Where did my baby pick up that language?” He wondered aloud, his face a little pale.

“Kasuka might be losing Go Fish pretty badly back there.” Shizuo sighed, turning Izaya around and tucking him comfortingly against his side. “Let’s not worry about it for now and move on to our next hate mail.”

I couldn’t agree more, Shizuo! And I’ll give you guys a countdown to the end of the hate mail letters that we’re reading today. Only 5 left! Here we go!

***

This is by a user named Pegocorn48. Let’s see what it says…

_“So... I want to slap Hajime in the face with a fish. He even sounds like an asshole when I'm reading! Even though he has the same purring and stuff as Izaya, I imagine him sounding like a complete douchebag, so (insert puppy dog eyes) could you please write a few more scenes with Shizuo punching him?”_

“I agree with this request.” Shizuo said instantly, looking right at the camera. “I feel as though we should not take away the fans’ true desires and clearly this is a strongly desire for many of them. Who are we to deny them the pleasure of my fist smashing into Hajime’s face?”

“My boyfriend raises a valid point!” Izaya declared, nodding sagely at the camera. “We can’t keep them from their happiness.”

“This person wants to slap me in the face with a fish!” Hajime protested from over in the corner. “How is that happiness?!”

“Oh, it’s happiness for everyone else, dear.” Namiko promised, smiling malevolently at Hajime. “Don’t you worry about that.”

“I really like fish. Fish taste wonderful.” Kichirou commented absently, staring off into space.

Shizuo groaned loudly, glaring at his father as he clutched his stomach. “Dad! I was doing so well ignoring that part with the fish at the beginning! You know how hungry I am right now!” He yelled, stomach growling right after he finished speaking as if to prove his point.

Kichirou raised his hands in surrender. “Sorry! Sorry! But Izaya is going to be making us food when the episode is over and we’re all home so it’s not so bad, is it?”

“What? I only volunteered to make food for my Shizu-chan.” Izaya said in confusion. “I said nothing about providing for everyone else.”

“Oh come on!” Kichirou pleaded, clasping his hands with pitiful puppy eyes. “You don’t have to make food for _everyone_. For example, you can skip the purring douchebag over there! Just make it for me, my wife, Kasuka, Mairu, Kururi, Shizuo, and yourself!”

“That’s seven people!” Izaya snapped, glaring at Kichirou.

“And why don’t _I_ get any food? I’m hungry, too.” Hajime complained.

Oh! Perfect timing! Our next hate mail involves you eating some things Hajime! Let’s read it! Only 4 left!

***

This is our second comment from Kanra_chan! Hajime, since you’re so hungry, maybe you’ll want to read this one!

_“KILL HIM!!! KILL HIM OR I WON'T FORGIVE YOU! HE NEEDS TO DIE RIGHT FUCKING NOW CHOSHA HOW DARE HE!!!!! THOSE POOR BABIEEEEESSSS NOOOOOOO! IF HE TOUCHES THEM I SWEAR TO IZAYA, I SWEAR!!! RIP HIS HEAD OFF! CASTRATE HIM! I-I LEGIT CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING HORRIBLE ENOUGH FOR HIM!  
No, yes I can! Hog tie that bastard first, like we do here in the south. Put that lil fuck over a fire and roast him. I want to hear his screaming, I want to ear that pig beg for his life! I'll feed him to my dogs! I'll rip his dick off, slow roast it in the crockpot, serve it with mashed potatoes and green beans and biscuits and make him eat it if he wants to live. But I bet that tiny little excuse for a cock isn't very filling~ He needs more. Feel him raw meat, feed him pig shit, shove dirt and bugs in his mouth and sew it closed! YES TAHT'S PERFECT! SEW HIS MOUTH CLOSED!!! AND HIS ANUS! AND HE PEE HOLE FOR GOOD MEASURE! POUR BLEACH DOWN HIS NOSE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!! HE'LL PAY, HE'LL PAY DEARLY!!”_

Izaya choked as he gawked at the letter, ruby eyes practically popping out of his skull. Shizuo was struck completely speechless, almost looking like his soul was fleeing the earth. Namiko and Kichirou had identical looks of shock at the fact that something like this even existed. And Hajime was over in the corner, looking like he was about to throw up.  
“Hey Hajime…” Izaya finally said, breaking the silence as his head slowly turned to face his ex. “Are you still hungry? I’ve just gotten some great ideas from Kanra_chan as to what to feed you.”

“I’ll pass.” Hajime said immediately, scooting away from the note like it had come from Satan himself. His face was a rather vibrant shade of green, and his eyes were darting around as if looking for a trash can to hurl into.

“I like how she mentions that your cock won’t be filling.” Shizuo snickered, wiggling his eyebrows at Hajime. “ _Clearly_ we aren’t on the same level in that aspect.”

“Wha-That girl has no idea what she’s talking about!” Hajime screeched, his green face gone red with fury as he glared at Shizuo.

“I think we can consider her a very credible source of information.” Kichirou argued, nodding approvingly at the comment. “I mean, she’s from the south of the US, I’m guessing and she knows how to make a nice southern meal. You can’t get any more credible than that.”

“That has literally NOTHING to do with the issue on the table!” Hajime yelled, grabbing his hair again.

“I think it’s an excellent touch to sew his mouth closed.” Namiko sighed, shaking her head at Hajime. “He would be far more pleasant without a voice.”

“Does anyone have any bleach? I ran out last week.” Izaya chirped, looking at the other people seated on the couch.

“We are not talking about this!” Hajime screamed, chucking the letter on the ground.

Air-time is running out! We have to move to the next letter! 3 left, people! We can do this!

***

This is by a user known far and wide as Lyyycoris. The comments I will be showing you all from now on are much shorter clips than before because of our rapidly dwindling air-time. Are you ready for this?

_“Oh and that part where Izaya's handing back Hajime's ass. PRICELESS. I was reading the face kicking part and wondered will his royal jewels be spared. Nope, and I thank all deities for that.”_

“That’s right! I kicked you in your royal jewels!” Izaya crowed, grinning triumphantly at Hajime. “And a ton of people agreed with that! Yay for me!”

“That kick _hurt_!” Hajime growled, his hands moving to cover his lower area even as he said so. “It’s not something that should be done to a man!”

“Oh, you aren’t a man, Hajime.” Kichirou said flatly. “You aren’t a man until you learn how to be a human.”

“Oooh, Dad’s getting philosophical up in here.” Izaya sang, nudging Kichirou’s shoulder with a big grin. “Quote some Aristotle for us next!”

“Why don’t _you_ do that, Izaya-kun?” Shizuo suggested, smiling adoringly at the raven. “I’m sure you’d be much better at quoting him anyways.”

Izaya’s eyes sparkled as he grabbed Shizuo’s hands, looking him right in his eyes with an excited air about his whole being. “I have a perfect Aristotle quote for the way you and Hajime fought on our date, but then you left with me instead of staying. Wanna hear it?” He asked eagerly.

“No!” Hajime snapped. “Quit being such a worthless ner-”

“I’d love to hear it and Hajime shouldn’t worry about listening to it because trash doesn’t have ears.” Shizuo said with a kind smile, looking back into Izaya’s eyes and completely ignoring the indignant sputter he got from Hajime.

Izaya cleared his throat. “I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” He said in a smooth, melodious tone, folding his hands sagely at the end and bowing to Shizuo.

Namiko clapped her hands and nodded in appreciation. “But you should still kick Hajime’s ass anyway.” She said happily, winking at her son.

“Mom!” Shizuo groaned in exasperation. “We had this great philosophical streak going here!”

“I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking!” Namiko defended herself, planting her hands on her hips with a huff.

“True. And Lyyycoris was thanking deities for Izaya kicking Hajime in the royal jewels, so we might as well move back into violence and hatred.” Kichirou admitted, taking his wife’s side in the matter.

Speaking of hatred, here’s our next hate mail! Second to last! Only 2 left!

***

This one is from a guest reader named Anon. Here it is.

_“I'm so proud of you, you have managed to make me hate someone more than I hate myself, slow clap to you.”_

“See Hajime? Even people who hate themselves can find it within their hearts to hate you more.” Kichirou said sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes at the fuming boy in the corner.

“Are we done with this hate mail thing yet?!” Hajime demanded, shaking his fist at the ceiling. “I get it! I’m not the most popular person in “Private Lessons”, but sti-”

“ _I’m_ the most popular person in “Private Lessons”.” Izaya cut in, looking right at Hajime. “ _You’re_ the guy everybody loves to hate.”

“I second that statement.” Shizuo said bluntly.

“Third it!” Namiko chirped.

“Fourth it!” Kichirou added.

Finalize it! Everybody hates you Hajime. There’s no “not the most popular” thing about it. You’re just the hated antagonist of the story, and for very good reasons.

“Shut up, host! No one asked you!” Hajime snapped, glaring at the camera. “And in any case, this Anon person doesn’t know what they’re talking about!”

“You said that before.” Shizuo pointed out. “Does everybody who hates you not know what they’re talking about? Because I think everyone who knows you has pretty much the same opinion of you.”

“It’d be incredible if no one you ever came into contact with knew what they were talking about.” Izaya agreed, glancing over at Hajime.

“I’m about to storm out of this studio.” Hajime grumbled, body shaking in anger. “Just one more message and I am gone!”

There’s…only 1 left Hajime. Haven’t you been listening to my countdown?

“No!”

…rude. Anyway, here’s the final hate mail for the night!

***

This comes from a user named BaitForSoap. A good closing statement to a night of hatred directed at Shishizaki Hajime.

_“I WILL COMPLETELY ERADICATE HAJIME. Every time he tries to talk, tries to move, tries to BREATHE I will spray him with bug spray because he's just a little roach that won't go away.  
ヽ(`д´；)/”_

“Oh! Instead of bleach, I can use bug spray!” Izaya said happily, clapping his hands eagerly. “I have plenty of that left in the house!”

“I just had Kasuka text me about whether or not we have bleach at our house,” Namiko said, leaning over so she could see Izaya clearly. “And he said we have plenty. You can take some, if you like.”

“Wow! So should I use bleach _and_ bug spray?” Izaya wondered aloud, tapping his lips with wide eyes.

“Either way, as long as it kills the stupid roach, I’m fine with it.” Shizuo shrugged, shooting Hajime the evil eye.

“No one asked you, Shizuo!” Hajime yelled, his voice almost desperate now. “This is a terrible comment!”

“I give this comment a 10 out of 10! A perfect conclusion to our little hate mail episode!” Kichirou argued, clapping his hands loudly in applause. “Next time, we should do _loooove_ mail about how cute a couple Izaya and Shizuo make.”

“I’m in! I’m in, I’m in, I’m in!” Namiko chirped happily, bouncing in her seat as she looked eagerly at her son and his boyfriend. 

“I don’t think my character has developed enough to be comfortable with that.” Izaya said nervously, glancing around as if the love mail was going to come flying out and attack him.

“We can work on it.” Shizuo said simply, kissing him on the forehead sweetly. “In the meantime, I just want to say that I love the idea of eradicating Hajime, I think it’s great that so many people agree with me, and I truly applaud all the creativity of these readers. Like seriously.” He looked directly at the camera, giving it a thumbs-up. “You guys got it going on.” He said with a nod.

“Wasn’t there at least _one_ comment that didn’t talk about hating me at all?” Hajime asked miserably, half-heartedly smacking the final letter away from himself.

Not really. There were a few smaller comments sprinkled throughout “Private Lessons” like Cucumber-sama saying they wanted to lynch you, others just yelling colorful phrases like “fuck him fuck him fuck him” over and over like ShineGinny, and plenty of people just flat-out ranted about hating your guts in various different ways.

Hajime glared at the ceiling like he was trying to make the heavens somehow fix everything that had just happened to him in the last 20 minutes.

“I loved the hate mail episode!” Izaya said cheerfully, clapping his hands and grinning at the camera. “Awesome comments, guys! Keep up the good work! The enemy of my enemy is my friend!”

“In that case, we should all be besties!” Kichirou laughed, waving jauntily at the camera. “Peace out, my friends! Thank you for the delightful mail!”

“What my husband said. Thank you so much!” Namiko smiled, giving her own small wave to the camera. “It just warms my heart to see how much burning hatred is flowing towards Hajime.”

“Come on!” Hajime cried, burying his face in his hands.

No complaining, Hajime. You totally deserve this. And in any case, that effectively wraps up this episode of “Private Lessons Confessions”! Now Izaya, the twins, and the Heiwajimas need to head home for dinner, Hajime needs to cry himself to sleep and never come back, and I need to sign off as your host for this evening! This has been Chosha_Hoshiko, wishing you all a very nice evening! Or morning. Or day… You know what, I’m just going to say goodbye. Goodbye!

“Bye!” Everyone else cried as well, waving at the camera.

As they all started to leave the studio, Shizuo turned to Izaya.

“We’re not actually contestants on some kind of love show, are we?” He asked in concern. “Because that would just warp my reality.”

Izaya waved a dismissive hand in the air, wrapping his arms around one of Shizuo’s and laying his head against the taller boy’s shoulder as they walked. “Don’t worry about it, Shizu-chan.” He said easily. “Of course we’re not contestants in some love show. We’re two dorky teenage rivals turned lovers. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”


	2. Awards Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are with episode 2 of "Private Lessons Confessions"! Not gonna lie: I did not expect an episode 2 to come out. XD
> 
> In any case, here are the wonderful results of the votes you guys put in on chapter 28 for the characters of "Private Lessons"! I hope you enjoy the characters' reactions to them!
> 
> P.S. I wrote this all today once I woke up, and I haven't eaten breakfast yet so it may seem a little rushed. However! I am still hopeful that it came out okay!
> 
> Here we go! <3

Hello again, ladies and gentlemen! For reasons largely unknown to me, many of our viewers last time liked this game/talk show very much, and so here the show is, not canceled yet!

“That is a very pessimistic point of view.” Izaya remarked, cocking his head as he smiled at the camera. “I mean seriously, how could our viewers not love extra time getting to see me?” He placed a hand on his chest and sat up proudly, preening in front of the camera with a grin.

“Oh stop it. Let’s get on with the show so we can get out of here.” Shizuo grumbled, his face already turning red from embarrassment when the camera swiveled to face him. He hid behind his hands and grumbled something else, probably about wishing he’d called in sick, and glaring viciously at the camera between his fingers.

Aaaaanyway…a second episode of “Private Lessons Confessions” has been inspired by the user MadCatQueen69! You all voted on it, you all seemed anxious to know the results! That’s right, viewers! This week’s episode of “Private Lessons Confessions” is AWARDS NIGHT!

“Ooh, Awards Night?” Izaya asked eagerly, sitting up in his seat on the red couch and clapping his hands excitedly. “This is going to be great!”

“We had an awards competition going?” Shizuo asked in confusion, his head looking around the room with a frown. “Why didn’t I hear about this?”

“You never hear about anything until it’s too late, son.” Namiko sighed, lowering herself onto the seat beside Shizuo and waving at the camera.

“But the rest of us knew so don’t worry about it one bit!” Kichirou added, laughing as he took his own seat beside his wife. “I can’t wait to hear the results!”

Me either, Kichirou-san! Although I did have to count the results up already so I know who won each category through my painstakingly accurate tallying of votes…

Seriously, counting and organizing an endless supply of surveys should probably be an eternal punishment for an OCD person…

Anyway! I’d like to remind our lovely viewers real quick about the categories that they had to vote on and the characters which they could have voted for to win those categories. After that, we will dive right into announcing the winner of each one, and having our lovely characters here respond to the results.

“I can’t wait to see how many I won!” Izaya said gleefully, clapping his hands with sparkling red eyes.

“What makes you so sure you won, Fluffles?” Shichi asked, sighing as he came in and sat down on Izaya’s free side, glancing briefly at the camera before turning his attention back on his student. “I mean seriously, you can’t get cocky until you’ve seen the grade.”

“But I always get perfect scores.” Izaya chirped, fluttering his eyelashes at the Russian math teacher. Shichi rolled his eyes and smacked Izaya over the head. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let’s just get on with this thing…which I seriously have no idea how I even got into.”

He looked right at the camera with a frown, pale blue eyes staring right into the screen. “Seriously people. I’ve been on “Private Lessons” for, what, three episodes now? I’m like the newest character we have.”

But people love you! So I included you in the votes. Now could all the other characters I’ve included please come out and find seats on the red couch that we elongated drastically for the purpose of fitting you all?

Slowly, one by one, each character came out from backstage, waving at the camera a little and finding a seat on the large piece of furniture.

“It is excellent to be back in the front room.” Kasuka said flatly, coming over and sitting next to his father, nodding briefly at the camera as it faced him. “I do enjoy it here.”

“I didn’t even know I could _be_ here!” Shinra said excitedly, bouncing up and down in his seat as he looked around with wide eyes.

“You _are_ a supporting character, Shinra.” Kadota pointed out with a sigh, nodding once in greeting when the camera swiveled to face him. “It makes sense you’d be included for the Supporting Character category.”

“Seriously, did everyone know we were having this thing except me?” Shizuo grumbled, crossing his arms with a huff.

Izaya patted his arm gently and kissed him on the cheek. “Yes.” He said flatly, smiling brightly at his boyfriend as the blonde turned to glare at him.

Before Shizuo could say anything else, more characters cut in.

“We didn’t know that this was going on.” Kyouko said stiffly, straightening out her pencil skirt as she looked disdainfully at the camera. “And may I just say that I am quite glad I didn’t? This event is so tacky, a three year old could have put it on.”

“Yes, I agree.” Her husband Shirou, sniffed from beside her, scoffing at their surroundings with an eye roll. “This setup is quite pathetic, actually. I’d prefer the handiwork of a toddler.”

“I can believe it considering you made me start cleaning up the house and setting up your stupid parties when I was only five!” Izaya hissed from the other end of the couch, glaring at his parents with venom in his eyes.

Kyouko waved a dismissive hand in the air, clearly not caring about her son’s opinion on the matter at all.

Thankfully, an argument didn’t break out because two little angels came darting into the room, instantly bolting for the legs of Kichirou and Namiko with excited squeals. “Mommy! Daddy!” Mairu and Kururi chanted, clutching the Heiwajima parents tightly and grinning up at them with goofy faces.

“Hello girls!” Kichirou laughed, ruffling Mairu’s hair before picking her up and setting her in his lap. “And how are you feeling about being able to be on the show this time?”

“Good idea.” Mairu declared stoutly, throwing her arms around Kichirou’s neck and nuzzling into it affectionately. “Can’t wait to judge things.”

“Gonna be fun.” Kururi agreed from her position hugging Namiko’s legs on the floor, and the maternal woman instantly picked up the little girl, rocking her back and forth in her arms with a sweet smile. “Yes. It will be lots of fun.” She promised, playing with the little girl’s nose. “As will the moments after the show when all of us characters are alone together…with no cameras around…” Her eyes darted up briefly to shoot a spiteful glare at Kyouko and Shirou, rage emanating from her entire being as a nasty smile slipped onto her face.

The Orihara parents shifted uneasily in their chairs, scooting away from Namiko’s fierce glare with a look at the camera.

“That was an obvious threat!” Shirou announced, gesturing at Namiko in disdain. “Aren’t you going to do anything about it?”

Who me? I heard nothing. I didn’t hear a threat at all. I heard something about people hanging out backstage. Yes, that’s what I heard. Now moving on! Is everyone here yet?

“No. My stupid two-bit blowhorn of a brother is taking forever backstage.” Shichi cut in with a sigh, rolling his eyes as he thought about Roku. “That man could find a way to make lightning strike the ground slower than a sloth moves through a tree.”

“Which would be quite an accomplishment considering sloths move so slow that they actually grow moss on their bodies!” Izaya chirped cheerfully, grinning widely at all the people staring at him.

“I love your little trivia inserts.” Shizuo said with a warm smile, kissing the top of the raven’s head.

“I don’t. I think they’re annoying.” Another voice added, and the camera swiveled over to catch Hajime and his father walking towards the couch, sitting on the far end with Izaya’s parents.

“My father took forever getting us here.” Hajime growled, crossing his arms with a huff. “It’s not my fault that we’re late.”

“It’s never your fault for anything.” Izaya muttered, glaring darkly at Hajime from the other end of the couch.

Mairu and Kururi whimpered a little and clutched their parents tighter, trying to move away from the new threat in the room.

Shichi looked around in surprise at the dark auras now emanating from many of the characters, all directed right at Hajime.

“Um…what exactly is going on?” He poked Izaya in the side, confusion written across his features. “Why is everyone glaring at Electric Eel over there like he’s Satan in disguise?”

“Electric Eel?” Hajime sputtered, his telltale electric blue eyes narrowed in anger at the math teacher. “Say that again, to my face!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were so slow that you needed me to repeat everything twice for you.” Shichi said casually, leaning forward on the couch and taking a deep breath like he was preparing to say something very difficult. “Electric. Eel.” He said mockingly slow, batting his eyelashes with a falsely sweet smile at Hajime once he’d finished.  
Hajime sputtered indignantly, his face going red as he glared at the Russian. “Who’s the new guy?” He demanded, glaring at everyone around him. “I hate him and I want him out of here!”

“This is Shichi-sensei.” Izaya said, hugging Shichi’s arm and grinning nastily at Hajime. “And he’s my favorite teacher from school!”

“Yeah. I’ve only been here for three episodes and I can bet that I’m way more popular than you, Electric Eel.” Shichi said casually, causing Hajime’s face to heat up again. “Don’t call me that!” He yelled, his father patting his back to calm him down.

“Shichi, stop harassing everyone. You don’t know better than everyone else.” A new voice chided, the camera moving to catch Suzuki Roku, the final member of the cast, as he came over and sat down next to Shichi, glaring at his adopted brother.

“Oh, and I suppose _you_ do?” Shichi asked in response, rolling his eyes and scooting closer to Izaya. “Whatever. Let’s just get on with this weird show thing.”

Okay, Shichi-sensei! Now, as Shizuo subtly removes Izaya from your arms and pulls him back into a hug against his chest, I shall read out the categories and the characters available in each category, and we will begin!

The first category was Best Character. The options for voting were Izaya, Shizuo, Kasuka, Mairu, Kururi, Namiko, and Kichirou.

“Can’t wait to hear my name called for that.” Izaya said cheerfully, nuzzling into Shizuo like a contented cat. Shizuo rolled his eyes as he ran his fingers through raven hair, nodding at the camera for the host to continue.

And the second category was Best Couple! This included Izaya x Shizuo, Namiko x Kichirou, Kyouko x Shirou, and even Izaya x Hajime.

“I wonder if we got any votes, Iza-chan?” Hajime asked, smirking at Izaya as the smaller boy glared at him. 

“Did you just hear a buzzing fly? I think I just heard an annoying buzzing fly!” Kichirou said in surprise, looking around the room for his invisible bug. “Maybe we should catch it and kill it!”

“Love the sass, bro. Let’s be friends after this show.” Shichi grinned holding out his fist for a fist bump with the cackling Heiwajima.

“Oh lord. Shichi and my father as friends.” Shizuo groaned, clearly trying not to think of that consequences of that scenario. “Please, let’s just move on!”

The third category was Best Partners in Crime, including Mairu and Kururi, Namiko and Kichirou, and Izaya and Shizuo.

“Ooh, that one might be close!” Namiko remarked, bouncing a giggling Kururi in her arms. “I have no idea who I’d vote for for that!”

“Vote for me!” Mairu cheered, waving at the camera happily. “Me and Kuru-nee!”

“No one cares about you, little snot-nosed brats.” Kyouko sighed, powdering her nose with some make-up as she looked into a small compact mirror.

“And Child Services haven’t come for _you two_ yet, so clearly the twins aren’t the only one whose actions go ignored by society.” Shichi deadpanned, reaching over and rubbing Mairu’s head with a glare directed right at the indignant woman he’d just insulted. “And for the record, you can just look over here at the two parents cuddling them, their older brother smiling at them, the tall blonde boy making joking faces at them, the silent boy playing with their hair, and the math teacher getting surprisingly protective over them and you will find that quite a few people care about these “snot-nosed brats”.” He added for good measure, moving to ruffle Kururi’s hair briefly before leaning back in his seat with a huff.

“Man, I hate neglectful parents.” Shichi muttered. “Tell me about it.” Izaya agreed, looking over at Shichi with newfound respect.

“What are you talking about? Our parents were wonderful!” Roku protested, smacking Shichi on the arm with a glare. “ _You_ were the one who caused all the problems in our family!”

“If that’s the case, would you like to join _our_ family, Shichi?” Kichirou asked cheerfully, grinning at the Russian. “I bet you’d make a freaking awesome addition to the Heiwajima antics!”

Shichi grinned back, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “That’s a very nice idea! I’ll have to think on that for a bit.” Shichi said gleefully, his blue eyes sparkling.

“Please don’t!” Shizuo begged. “I can’t handle having my math teacher being related to me!”

“I could.” Izaya chirped, smiling at Shichi. “In fact…that would be great.”

Shichi looked over at Izaya in shock, and a small smile came over his face as he looked back at the raven. “Yeah…it would be pretty great.” He said gently. 

Aww…okay, before we get even more distracted, the fourth category was Best Villain and it included Hajime, Hajime's father, Kyouko and Shirou, and Suzuki Roku.

“Why am I a villain?” Roku demanded, looking shocked. “I was just trying to help!”

“And I don’t see how _our_ actions warrant us the label of villain.” Shirou added haughtily, sniffing at the camera. “Clearly, you are mistaken.”

“No…I can definitely see how you two made it on the list.” Roku said slowly, looking the parents up and down with doubt.

The fifth category (moving on again!) was Best Supporting Character, and it included Roku Suzuki, Shinra, Kadota, and Shichi-sensei!

“Whoa, I’m _in_ something?” Shichi asked in shock, glancing over at the camera.

“That’s why you’re here, sensei.” Izaya responded, snickering a little at the shocked look on Shichi’s face.

“Oh, shut up Fluffles. No one asked for your input.” Shichi flicked him in the nose, but there was a fond smile on his face that couldn’t go unnoticed by anyone who saw it.

Seriously…I smell adoption in the future…anyway! The sixth category was Best Fighter, and the options were Hajime, Shizuo, and Izaya.

“Terrible options. I clearly should have been in there.” Kichirou sighed, shaking his head gravely. “Oh hush, dear. We’re almost done reading the categories and _then_ we can comment more on everything.” Namiko slapped his arm, smiling happily at the camera as Kururi played with her hair, nodding for it to continue.

Right. And the final category was Worst with their Feelings! And the contestants for that lovely award were Izaya, Shizuo, and Hajime!

“Rude.” Izaya huffed, crossing his arms and sinking into his seat with a pout.

“Can’t wait for your name to be called for that award.” Shizuo teased, smiling in response to the glare Izaya shot him. “Hey, you’re pretty bad with your feelings, too, mister!” The raven argued, and the rest of the couch laughed at the small banter.

Well, now that we’ve gotten all the categories and contestants listed, we shall move on to the actual results!

The winner of Best Character is…Orihara Izaya!

“Woohoo!” Izaya cheered, jumping to his feet and running over to grab the trophy that was being presented at a stadium across from the couch. “I knew it! I could feel it coming in the air!”

“Who was in second place and how far behind were they?” Shizuo asked curiously, cocking his head to the side.

Actually Kasuka was in second place…with his whopping 2 votes!

Everyone stared at the camera silently.

…Let’s just say it wasn’t a very close race and that Izaya was way ahead of everyone else, okay?

Izaya cackled as he trotted back to his seat, clearly pleased with himself if the happy grin on his face was anything to go by. “I so called it!” The raven sang as he plopped down in between Shizuo and Shichi. “I should’ve bet money on it!”

“Don’t go getting a bigger head than you already have.” Shichi warned. “You’re liable to inflate it too much and float away.”

“Oh, hush!” Izaya scowled, crossing his arms and looking at the camera with a grin, the gold trophy glittering in his lap. “Next award! Who gets it?”

Well, the next award is Best Couple and it goes to…Shizuo and Izaya!

“Big surprise there. This is a Shizaya fic.” Hajime muttered sarcastically, rolling his eyes as the two lovers trotted up to claim their prize.

“No one asked you, Electric Eel.” Namiko said sweetly, batting her eyelashes at him.

“Oh come on! You can’t start calling me that, too!” Hajime yelled, scowling as Izaya and Shizuo each came back with a small trophy.

“Check it out! The trophies connect with each other and form a large, heart-shaped one.” Izaya gushed, holding his award against Shizuo’s and demonstrating for the group.

“That is sickeningly sweet.” Shinra chirped, clasping his hands and looking at the award in awe. “I want it for me and Celty!”

“You two weren’t available to vote for as the best couple.” Kadota pointed out to his friend.

“Doesn’t matter! We’re still automatically the best!” Shinra argued, reaching for the award. “Now give it here!”

“Hands off! Get your own lovers show and you might win that way.” Izaya held the trophy away from his friend, glaring fiercely at him with ruby eyes flashing.

Let’s all calm down and move into the next category since, as usual, we have to worry about air time. The next category is Bes t Partners in Crime! And this one was actually a tie between…Shizuo and Izaya, and Mairu and Kururi!

Four trophies were held out by the stadium, and Izaya whooped again as he grabbed Mairu, running up with her in his arms to grab their trophies. Shizuo sighed and plucked Kururi from his mother’s lap, jogging after his crazy boyfriend to get his own.

“They all fit together!” Mairu cried in delight, shoving hers against her sister’s and then grabbing Izaya’s to connect it with Kururi’s. “This is so cool!”

“Like puzzle.” Kururi agreed, gently taking Shizuo’s trophy and connecting it to the pile of glittering metal.

“I’m so proud of my baby girls.” Kichirou said, wiping a tear away from his eye. “They grew up to be wonderful mischief-makers.”

“Those aren’t your children.” Shirou scowled, glaring at Kichirou. “They-”

“Sure as hell ain’t yours!” Shichi cut him off instantly, glaring with 10 times the ferocity right back at him. “You don’t have the right to say anything about them being yours aside from the fact that you gave birth to them.”

“Actually, I was the one who gave birth to them, fool.” Kyouko said haughtily, clearly intended to make Shichi look like an idiot as she smirked at him.

“Sorry. I just assumed that it must be him considering the fact that he’s such a pussy.” Shichi replied coolly, and the room whistled in appreciation, cheering on Shichi’s harsh comeback.

“Burn!” Kichirou laughed, holding his hand out for a high five which Shichi obliged with a grin. “Dude, you are my new best friend!”

“Shichi!” Roku shouted, far less pleased with his adopted brother’s behavior than anyone else. “Why can’t you just be nice for once?”

“Why can’t you just shut up before all four partners in crime gang up on you in your office?” Hajime pointed out.

Everyone looked over and gaped at Hajime in shock as the four partners in crime took their seats on the red sofa. “Did you just…defend me?” Shichi asked in shock, gaping at the grumbling boy.

“No.” Hajime snapped, his cheeks red. “I could care less about you! I just wanted Suzuki to shut up, is all.”

Everyone looked at Hajime for a few seconds longer, trying to figure out what to make of this.

“Maybe…we gave him brain damage after our fight and he’s becoming nice?” Izaya suggested, and the others nodded their agreement with this theory.

“Hey!” Hajime protested, but the show moved on before he could say anything else.

The next category is Best Villain! And that award went undeniably to…Hajime! There were a few votes for the Orihara parents mixed up in there, but Hajime pulled out at the end.  
“Gee. Thanks.” Hajime muttered, standing up and marching over to grab his trophy with a scowl. This one, unlike the others, was made of black metal.

“Maybe you can regift it to Izaya’s parents if you become even nicer.” Shinra suggested, holding a thumbs-up to the grumpy boy. “You never know! Someone out there can always become the newly most hated person around, and all you have to do is be nice!”

“Shut up, crazy doctor or I’ll punch you through the roof.” Hajime scowled in response.

“Just you try it.” About five other people said at the same time.

Air time, my friends! Air time! We can’t get into another argument here! The next category is Best Supporting Character. This award goes to…Shichi!!

“You’re hanging noodles on my ears.” Shichi said instantly, staring flatly at the trophy being held over by the stadium.

“Uh…say what now?” Roku asked, staring at his adopted brother like he was crazy.

“It’s a common saying in Russia. It means you’re lying.” Shichi told him, still staring at the trophy like he couldn’t believe it.

“Go on! Get your trophy, sensei!” Izaya urged, shoving at Shichi’s back with excited eyes. “The viewers love you so you deserve it!”

“Not as much as they love you, _clearly_.” Shichi drawled, eying the three trophies crowding Izaya’s lap so far.

“That’s beside the point. Go get yours!” Izaya continued, grinning as he shoved even harder.

Eventually, the Russian shrugged and stood up, walking over to grab his trophy. “I can’t believe people voted for me.” He said, staring in shock at the trophy in his hand.

Well, you were only 1 vote above Kadota, who came in as a very close second! Way to make that good impression on the readers in such a short time!

“Darn. I was so close.” Kadota sighed, leaning back in the couch with a shrug. “Oh well. I do like Shichi. He’s pretty cool.”

“Hey, I don’t really have any place to put this thing so you can have it if you want.” Shichi offered, holding it out to Kadota.

“You are keeping the thing you earned or I will castrate you.” Izaya said darkly, glaring at his teacher with flashing red eyes.

Shichi looked down at the raven then raised his hands in surrender, sitting next to him with a sigh. “Alright. Never mind. See? The universe doesn’t want me to be nice. Something always ruins my gestures of kindness.”

“Don’t use that as an excuse. You’re just a horrible person.” Roku sighed, shaking his head.

The next, and second to last, category is Best Fighter and it was another very close vote! It goes to…Izaya! Who won by 1 vote over Shizuo!

“I WON AGAIN!” Izaya screeched in excitement, running up to grab his fourth trophy.

“Way to go Fluffles! You kick butt!” Shichi cheered, clapping his hands and nodding in approval for the award.

“Yeah. Iza-nii kick butt.” Mairu agreed, still playing with her partner in crime trophy with a satisfied look on her face.

“Kick Hajime’s butt.” Kururi added, glancing over at Hajime with a small glare.

“Seriously, Electric Eel. What did you _do_?” Shichi asked, clearly stunned by all the hatred flowing Hajime’s way.

“I’ll tell you after the show.” Kichirou promised, and Shichi held up a hand. “Forewarning,” He said flatly. “I have a very questionable past that involves the mass maiming and murder of several people. Do you really want me to know just what Hajime did?”

“Yes!” Everyone in the room shouted eagerly as Izaya slid back into his seat.

“Alright then.” Shichi shrugged, glancing over at Hajime. “R.I.P., man. It was nice knowing you.” He said flatly.

Our show is almost over so we need to wrap this up with the final category! Worst with their Feelings! Now this one was a landslide victory. No one else even came close! There was only 1 vote each for the other people in this category out of everyone who voted! The winner of Worst with their Feelings is…Izaya!

“Dang it.” The raven muttered dejectedly, looking up at the award shining tauntingly from the stadium. “I was perfectly happy with my 4 positive awards.”

“Well, now you have 5.” Shizuo said cheerfully, kissing Izaya on top of the head. “So get over there and claim your fifth one.”

Izaya muttered in complaint as he marched up and snatched the trophy, glaring at it like it had personally offended him.

“Why is there an award for this?” The raven demanded, waving it in the air. “It should be removed! It’s a bad award!”

“It’s not like you got the Best Villain award!” Hajime yelled, pointed to his own black trophy with a glare. “Just deal with it!”

Yeah, Izaya! You won 5 out of the 7 awards that were available! Which is way more than I thought anyone would win!

Izaya looked over in shock at his trophy pile and counted the categories in his head, indeed realizing that the numbers were accurate. “Wow. Go me.” He said in shock.

“You literally won everything you were eligible to win.” Shizuo laughed, thinking about it. “The other two categories were for supporting characters and villains.”

“I raised a winner!” Namiko declared, nodding her head proudly as she pounded a fist once on her chest. “That’s my boy!”

“Way to sweep the floor, Izaya!” Kichirou cheered, clapping his hands and grinning at the dumbstruck raven. “You deserve it!”

“It’s a good way to make an effective exit.” Shichi agreed, glancing at his own trophy like he still couldn’t believe it was his.

And speaking of exits, that is the end of this episode! Once again, a huge thank-you to MadCatQueen69 for inspiring the idea of an award ceremony. Without her, this episode would not have been possible!

“Thank you for letting me become a winner!” Izaya grinned, waving at the camera.

“Thanks for letting me win a trophy that I had no clue I was eligible for.” Shichi shrugged, still not clear what he should do with it.

“Thank you for being a partner in crime!” The twins sang, holding up their mass of trophies with big grins.

“Thanks for giving me an award for being a good boyfriend.” Shizuo said softly, ducking his head in embarrassment.

“Thanks for nothing.” Hajime growled, shoving his trophy in his bag and standing up to leave. “Now I’m getting out of here.”

“Before I come to chase your soul into oblivion after finding out what you did to Izaya? An excellent idea!” Shichi grinned, raising a thumbs-up at the boy and his father as they left. He got a glare in return, but come on. Like that would actually make him regret anything.

Thank you all for being here for another episode of “Private Lessons Confessions”! This has been your host, Chosha_Hoshiko, signing off and saying good night! Or good morning! Or good…luck? Good whatever you need at the moment, I suppose! See you later!

The characters began filing out of the studio, Kichirou pulling Shichi aside instantly to begin regaling his new best friend with tales about Hajime, Namiko subtly following the Orihara parents out the back door with a murderous look on her face, and the high schoolers of the story all chatting about random things as they went, oblivious to everything else.

“I swear this show gets weirder and weirder as the day goes by.” Shizuo muttered, holding a few of his boyfriend’s trophies to help him carry them out.

“Yeah, but I still like it. Because it gives me more time with you.” Izaya said, smiling up at Shizuo and planting a kiss on his cheek. “Now let’s get some food because I am deteriorating slowly into a sack of skin of bones.”

“You already _are_ a sack of skin and bones.” Kadota scoffed, ruffling Izaya’s hair with a fond smile.

“But he’s a good-looking sack of bones!” Shinra pointed out, grinning at Izaya as they walked. “Not as good-looking as my beloved Celty, of course, but still!”

“I personally think Izaya is better looking than Celty, but that’s just me.” Shizuo said, shrugging as they walked along.

“I agree with this statement.” Kasuka added, nodding his head with the same expressionless face as always.

“Hey!” Shinra protested, glaring at the Heiwajima siblings fiercely. “You haven’t even _seen_ Celty, before!”

“Don’t need to. I’m in love.” Shizuo said easily, his hand slipping down to grab Izaya’s, their fingers threading through each other easily.

“You’re an idiot.” Izaya said softly, squeezing his hand fondly just the same.

“Well, that’s why I need private lessons, isn’t it?” Shizuo said with a smile, completely ignoring the ranting Shinra as they finally left the set of the show.

Izaya turned to face Shizuo with a smile, a bright light in his ruby eyes that never would have been there before he started tutoring the blonde dummy.

“Yes. I guess that’s why.” Izaya responded, kissing him briefly on the lips before they headed out after the others who’d already exited the building.

But if it took being an idiot to be near Izaya, then Shizuo would gladly remain at the bottom of his class forevermore. Nothing could ever convince him to leave the side of the beautiful raven who’d stolen his heart.

If there had been an award for loyalty, Shizuo would have definitely gotten it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was episode 2! I hope you guys all liked it and I hope you guys liked the results of the votes as much as I did! XD Well, let me know what you thought below!
> 
> I am going to leave now so I can eat breakfast...which is actually closer to lunch now. See you guys later! <3


	3. #team_shichi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! Here's the next episode of "Confessions"! Sorry if this one is a little rambling. It's very rushed and I didn't have time to go back and edit it. Right! So here we have a lovely tale about everybody's favorite math teacher, Shichi! He's become a very popular character among the readers. So popular in fact that he has his own hashtag! And this chapter is aaaaall about how popular Shichi has become. It's a Shichi celebration episode! Hope you enjoy, despite how rushed and badly put together it is! XD
> 
> Here it is! <3

Hello, hello, hello! It’s me once again, your host, Chosha_Hoshiko! We’re here for an _astonishing_ third episode of (the only show we do around here) “Private Lessons Confessions”! This episode is being aired in honor of a new tag that started going around in the last chapter of “Private Lessons”. Some of you know about it, some of you may even have helped to start it. Thaaaaaat’s right! This episode is called “#team_shichi!”

“Say what now?” Shichi asked, lifting his head and staring at the camera. “Why do I have a hashtag? What is this?” He looked around the room at all of the other characters helplessly, trying to understand what was happening. “What is going on with this talk show?!”

“Wow. You’ve got your own hashtag and you aren’t even a canon character.” Shizuo remarked, his arm slung gently around Izaya’s shoulders. “That’s pretty impressive, Sensei. Way to go.”

“I do not understand these viewers.” Shichi grumbled, slinking down in his seat with a scowl. “How did a hashtag about me even start? Do I look like a social media competent person?” He pointed at himself and glared at the camera as though daring it to say that he did.

Izaya snickered from his position next to Shizuo and grinned at Shichi, leaning towards him a bit. “Admit it, Sensei! You’re popular!” He sang, poking his teacher’s arm teasingly. “Even if you don’t want to admit it.”

“Yes, it must have been my stunning charisma and charm that won them over.” Shichi said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “Fluffles, I don’t think I’m popular.”

Ahem. Allow me to read a few comments about you that…say otherwise, to put it mildly.

And here we go! A flood of messages in support of Shichi!

#team_shichi is beginning.

 

“Aww I looooove Shichi  
He's so cute  
Can't wait for more of him!”

 

“SHICHI-SENSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII officially best teacher ever  
Also he's a bear I'm dying  
And that Fluffles thing is gonna stick now isn't it?”

 

“Shichi-sensei is awesome tho asdfggjkl  
F L U F F L E S!”

 

“Whoa, that was actually pretty lit.  
Like, Shichi-sensei is pretty fucking cool.  
I also like to imagine that originally when he wanted to join a yakuza family he was thinking of how cool he'd look in those full body tattoos and instantly being disappointed thinking through how hard it might be to move up, haha.”

 

Shichi stared at the camera after that comment. “How did they read the thoughts of my younger self?’ He muttered, shrinking down in his seat with a suspicious glare directed at the filming device.

“Oh, so you _did_ want to have those full-body tattoos!” Izaya snickered, his ruby eyes shining as he grinned at Shichi.

“Shut up, Fluffles. No one asked you.” Shichi huffed, smacking him over the head. He sat back in his seat and folded his arms, glaring at the ground in front of him. “I would’ve looked damn sexy in those tattoos.” He grumbled lowly so that no one could hear him.

I bet that a ton of people would agree with you, Shichi.

And let’s continue the flood, shall we?

 

“YEAH. I'M ONE OF SHICHI'S NUMBER ONE FANS  
ヽ(´▽｀)/”

 

“Fans.” Shichi muttered, shaking his head. “I have fans.”

“Fans who compete over which ones are bigger.” Kichirou added, snickering as the messages just kept scrolling up the viewscreen. There seemed to be almost no end to them. “I think I can see where this will eventually be going with you lovely hashtag, my friend.”

“I believe I can, too!” Namiko sang, chuckled as she pointed out another one. “Check it out! These people absolutely love you!”

“Of course they do!” Izaya declared loudly, grinning widely at Shichi with sparkling eyes. “Shichi-sensei is the best!”

I don’t think anyone will argue with you on that statement, Izaya! As a matter of fact, check out this next comment. It fits right in with that. 

 

“SHICHIIIIIII-SENSEEEEIIIIII I knew when I put my vote in for him as best supporting character I wasn't gonna be wrong he's the absolute best and such a goddamn strong person and deserves all the love in the world he's my fave character in this now.”

 

“Ooh, look Izaya.” Kasuka said with his usual flat face, a bit of smugness still somehow managing to flicker into those expressionless eyes. “Someone likes Shichi more than you now. You’re not as popular as before.”

“What?” Izaya demanded, jumping up from the couch and glaring at the viewscreen. “Impossible! I am still the favorite character in this thing overall!”

“Of course you are, Izaya-kun.” Shizuo assured his boyfriend, pulling him back down and looking over him with worried eyes. “But please try to keep all your offended jumping around to a minimum, okay? You’re still recovering.”

Izaya waved his hands away with a scoff, but still leaned subtly into the hug from his boyfriend. “Fine.” He grumbled. “But if Shichi starts to go after my crown, I am taking him _down_.”

“What a thing to say to your future father!” Shichi gasped, placing his hands over his heart like he was hurt by Izaya’s words. “Truly. I am shocked you would say such a thing!” He leaned forward a bit, raising a hand to be just in front of Izaya’s forehead. “Brat.” He said flatly, dropping the hurting-future-father act entire and flicking Izaya’s forehead before sitting back on the couch with his arms crossed.

Before this escalates any further, let’s turn our attention to the viewscreen, shall we? Look at all of these…still…going…comments…so many Shichi comments…

 

“I LOVE him  
He's amazing  
Can't wait for more of him!”

 

“Yeeeeeaaaaah  
SHICHI 4 LIF3”

 

“Honestly, at first I wanted Shichi to steal Izaya from Shizuo but now he seems more like a badass father material for me. Shichi adopt this poor child and his sisters right now! XD”

 

“Wait, people used to _ship_ us?!” Izaya gawked, pointing at himself and then Shichi with wide eyes.

Plenty of people, actually. They saw real potential in the two of you as a couple.

“Never mind the nearly twenty-year age gap or teacher-student relationship or lack of actual knowledge about each other in anything from previous occupations to favorite colors.” Shichi said flatly, shaking his head. “But hey. They’re on board with my adoption plan now, so it’s all good.”

“Shichi-sensei adopt Iza-nii and us!” Mairu cheered happily, nodding eagerly at Shichi. “Do it! Do it right now!”

“But Daddy and Mommy.” Kururi pointed out quietly, looking over at Namiko and Kichirou with big brown eyes.

Mairu glanced over at them, then back at Shichi, then over at them again. “Shared custody!” She decided, nodding her head like it was settled and then looking back over at Shichi with a grin. “Adopt us! Adopt us!” She chanted, bouncing in her seat and seemingly on the verge of a full on screaming fit.

“Do you think they understand the concept of paperwork and the processing time for legal documents?” Shichi asked bluntly, looking at Izaya for an answer.

Izaya laughed loudly for a good few seconds, then dropped his head and gave Shichi the most deadpan expression that he could. “No.” He said bluntly, turning back to the viewscreen with a grin. “Now let’s look at some more comments about Shichi-sensei!”

“There’s _more_?!” Shichi looked like he was about to choke, his eyes popping out of his sockets as he stared at the screen.

So many more, Shichi! This is why you have a hashtag! And…why you have your own episode of this show. And we aren’t even showing them all because (as usual) we have to worry about air time!

“Air time is the dumbest thing that was ever invented.” Izaya whined, shaking his head and pouting at the camera. “Why can’t we extend it?”

Ah, if only we could, Izaya. If only. Now, here are the next few comments that I am going to show you all!

 

“SHICHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
HE'S SO AMAZING”

 

“Yes. This is true.” Shichi conceded with a nod, examining his nails with a nod. “I am pretty damn amazing.”

 

“shichi is a fav”

 

“I KNOW I AM HIS NUMBER ONE FAN  
I JUST LOVE HIM  
\\(♡o♡)/”

 

“I LOVE SHICHI SO MUCH I'M GONNA CRY”

 

“I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WAS SHICHI, I fucking love that person! XD”

 

“I fucking love you too, whoever you are.” Shichi said, pointing at the screen. “Now, can we please be done with all these comments? If I see over 100 of them, then I owe Izaya money.” 

“We made a bet a few days ago on how much the readers liked him.” Izaya chirped by way of explanation, grinning at the camera. “So by all means, keep firing away those comments! You’re winning me some much needed cash!”

Sorry Izaya, but that’s all we’ll have time for with the comment stream today.

“Aww…” Izaya looked extremely put out at that fact, crossing his arms with a huff and leaning back in his chair. “First Shinra and Dotachin flake out on us for this episode because they mysteriously get sick at the same time, my parents and Hajime can’t come get roasted because of who-even-knows-what, and now I can’t win any money on the bet about how much people really love Shichi? This is a terrible day!”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, Izaya-kun.” Kichirou said happily, ruffling the disgruntled raven’s hair with a laugh. “I think our lovely host still has some things planned for this episode before we run out of air time. Am I right?”

Of course you are, Kichirou! As we mentioned before, the #team_shichi was created by a few of the readers of “Private Lessons”.

“Where are you going with this?” Shichi asked suspiciously, his icy eyes flicking over to glare at the camera before glaring around the room in the hopes of finding the unlucky host. “What are you about to do?”

…I’m about to tell all our viewers how the hashtag was created…please don’t kill me.

“We’ll make sure he doesn’t!” Namiko sang, patting Shichi’s leg with an evil glint in her eyes. “Won’t we, dear?”

“Oh yes we will.” Kichirou laughed, every single bit of the laughter tinged with malicious intent. “We definitely will.”

“Kichirou…I thought we were friends.” Shichi said, looking at the laughing man like he’d been betrayed.

“Oh, we are.” Kichirou assured him, pausing just long enough in his laughter to say that. “And one of the prime duties of a good friend is to humiliate their friend!” He snapped his fingers at the camera, grinning like the crazy person he was. “Now tell us what happened, host!”

Very well, Kichirou. Now that Shichi is safely restrained by both Heiwajimas parents (an unbeatable force) I can tell you just how it went down.

It started as a simple post by one of our best readers, MazeRaven. This comment actually happened to be the last one we looked at on the viewscreen.

 

““I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WAS SHICHI, I fucking love that person! XD”

 

Now, a different reader of ours who is a VERY adamant fan of Shichi’s commented to this right afterwards. This reader’s name is LoovvNoire.

 

“I KNOW HE'S AWESOME RIGHT

(Btw I'm just his number one fan ;))  
(And I love him more than you :p)”

 

“Oh…shit.” Shichi said, staring at the screen.

“A war! A war has begun!” Izaya cackled in delight, clapping his hands and grinning eagerly at the screen. “Oh please let someone pull a knife! Get in there! Fight for your rights as the number one fan!”

“Why is my boyfriend such a maniac?” Shizuo wondered aloud, staring hopelessly at the screen. “A maniac who thrives on violence and the destruction of others.”

“Hey, you picked him. Not us.” Kichirou pointed out, looking at Shizuo meaningfully. “This is all on you, dude.”

“You approved him!” Shizuo argued with an accusing glare. “You could have stopped me if you wanted to!”

He looked down at Izaya, still cackling as he waited for the next comment to come up on the screen, and a small smile slipped over his lips. “Not that I would have let you.” He added softly.

Aww…these guys make such a cute couple, don’t they?

Anyway, Izaya is ready to jump through that screen in order to see the rest of the fight, so here it is!

 

“I wanna marry him and carry his childrens, which would make me Izaya's mom too if he is adopted XDXDXD  
I love him moreeeeee.” – MazeRaven

 

Shichi’s jaw dropped, his eyes going wide as he stared at the comment. “I…I have no words for this.” He said finally.

Izaya stared at the screen, then looked over at Mairu and Kururi. “Hey girls.” He said. “What do you guys think about having an internet mom?”

“Hey!” Shichi yelled, glaring at Izaya. “You can’t just ask the twins to make this decision! _I’m_ the one being sort of proposed to here! And these are _my_ children that will be coming out, thank you very much. Which makes it _my_ decision!”

Izaya laughed at that. “No it doesn’t!” He chirped cheerfully. “I think us children get a stronger say in who becomes our internet mother than you. Right girls?” He looked over at the twins with a big grin.

“Right!” They both nodded happily.

“Fine.” Shichi muttered, sitting back on the couch with a sigh. “Looks like my kids are deciding whether or not I’m getting married and having other kids.”

Or maybe the readers will decide, because the argument keeps going from here.

 

“NO  
I love him more.  
I'M HIS NUMBER ONE FAN  
Chosha said it.” – LoovvNoire

 

“Bringing the author into this? Getting heated!” Izaya sang, giggling with delight.  
“I don’t want to see the end.” Shichi groaned, covering his eyes.  
It gets better in a bit! Don’t worry!

 

“Hahaha oh no you have the autor on your side, it's unfair.” – MazeRaven

 

“HA HA HA HA HA  
(This is an evil laugh)” – LoovvNoire

 

“Are you sure?” Kasuka asked, raising one eyebrow on his emotionless face.

Yes. Yes, I’m sure. Just…wait a little bit longer.

 

“Huuh.. someone is jealous xD  
In that case we can either become rivals and try to kill each other or just become best friends, haha!  
#team_shichi!!!” – tayumi

 

See?! Tayumi came in and saved everyone! Tayumi saved the day.

“Go tayumi.” Shichi said, shooting the camera a thumbs-up.

“Noooo! Tayumi, why would you do that?” Izaya whined, kicking his feet in the air. “We were having so much fun before!”

“The rest of the world wasn’t.” Shizuo sighed, kissing the top of his boyfriend’s head. “Just let it go and let everyone get along for once.”

 

“...  
Let's be friends ^^  
#team_shichi FOREVER!!!!  
But I'm still his number one fan B)  
Nobody can best me ;)  
I won't allow it xD  
(And I'm serious. I can be very violent sometimes *psycho grin*)” – LoovvNoire

 

“Be psycho. Be very psycho!” Izaya commanded, pointing at the camera with a serious glare.

“Be friendly. Be very friendly.” Shizuo said in response, smacking his boyfriend upside the head.

 

“Yay! Shichi's fanclub is officially created!  
No fights among the members <3” – tayumi

 

“Lol ♡  
I'll be... Well, not the leader, cause I think there's no leader in this club, but I'm still Shichi's number one fan! xD  
(Yeah, I'll say it till the end)” – LoovvNoire

 

And thus the #team_shichi hashtag was created, as well as the Shichi fanclub! Now, aren’t we all very happy for our lovely math teacher?

“I’m happy for myself.” Shichi said, standing up from the couch. “But I’m also very hungry. I believe that it is time for me to take my leave.” He spun on his heel and began a brisk walk for the exit.

Everyone watched him go, confused at the sudden departure.

Until Izaya stood up with a gasp of shock. “Wait, he’s running away because we passed the number of fan comments that I needed to win the bet!” The raven screeched, realization dawning on his face. “You get back here right now, coward! Cheapskate! Loser!” He ran out after the math teacher, waving his arms like crazy.

Shizuo stood up next, sighing and shaking his head. “I better go get my boyfriend.” He grumbled. “See you all later.”

And then the blonde left as well. 

Kichirou and Namiko looked at each other. “Maybe we should help as well.” Kichirou said. “Shichi can be a tough guy to pin down and I want my baby to get his money.” Namiko agreed. “Come on, Kasuka, Kururi, Mairu. We’re leaving.”

Kasuka stood up, nodded once at the camera, and followed his parents out as well. The twins followed their mother eagerly, each one grabbing an arm eagerly and chattering happily as they left the studio.

And that left, as usual, only the host. Rambling alone to herself in the dark. And…she has nothing left to say.

So with the exit of all our characters, here ends episode three! I’ll see you next time (if there is a next time) on “Private Lessons Confessions”!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand that was the episode! Hope you liked it! Now I really have to go because it's getting late for me! See you back in "Private Lessons"! <3

**Author's Note:**

> And that's the end of "Private Lessons Confessions"! I hoped you all liked the "game show" and didn't think it was too cringey. I wrote this semi-last minute in between things like classes and right after state competition so it's not as refined as the other one-shots tend to be. Either way, I hope you still enjoyed the little hate fest right there! I'll see you all on Sunday with the next update for "Private Lessons"! <3


End file.
